The feelings I had were familiar, dark and somewhat stormy. There was anxiety and tension, and man was I touchy. What was going on in here?
I love my work, as you might know, and was I ever glad there was work to do because when I was working, I felt ok, and enjoyed the challenges. There was clarity there--an orderliness of a kind.
And then...whoosh! The feelings would rush right in when I stepped out of my professional role. Crankiness blossomed where there was kindness, and don't even get me started on "the news." I put myself on a news media diet, hoping that not reading nasty stuff would help--but nah, not so much.
Sad to say, my impatience with hubby Jim was at an all time high. He is currently working on a breakthrough theory on consciousness, and of course he wanted to share his latest discoveries with his mate. But I grew grouchier with every sharing. I barked at him more than once: "Listen, I'm busy, ok? Please find someone else to talk about this to." Which actually was my truth as I felt burdened by being the only person around to chat about quantized consciousness and dark matter and so forth.
Now some of you may think: "Hold on. This is the guy who had a stroke awhile back?" Yes, the very same. His brilliance still shines through and I am so grateful. But so was my increasing tension breaking through the fragile surface of my emotions. Resentment was never far from showing it's grouchy face.
Something had to give. But what was that something? Was it my growing worry about a future income adjustment stemming from Jim's private disability insurance coming to its term limit? Could be, but work had been fine, and I was making major breakthroughs in trusting Spirit's guidance. There were other things on my mind, including illness in the family, but still, I couldn't quite pin "it" down.
Then a discussion with a pal changed everything.
It was innocent enough: I was advising him on some big changes in his life, and then he turned the conversation to me, which was not welcome. At all. He wondered aloud about what might be holding me back, and was I holding back, and other uncomfortable words I would rather not mention. But the upshot was the conversation left me in a whirlwind of angst and upset. I just wanted to run away.
Instead I went home to my brilliant husband, and he started to chat about his consciousness stuff, and then...I lost it. I ran outside, sat down hard on a porch step, and sobbed for a long time. Hubby came out to comfort, but I was inconsolable. Held back emotions from the last few years of holding myself together through the significant challenges in our lives broke out of their dam, and the waterworks rushed out. Hiccups, snot: it was the whole messy meltdown package. And I was mad too! No, not at Jim or at Spirit---although they were easy targets.
I was mad at me. Big time. For one, I had not yet, in all the 33 years of doing this work, been able to sustain our family on my income alone. Plus I had held back at times, and even sabotaged myself on a regular basis. I felt like--no, I was a failure. End of story.
Fell into bed that night and woke up the next day feeling clearer. Since that day, I am seeing everything differently, from hubby to work to my self image to the world and its "situation"--everything. The window to life was wiped clean with the tears.
Ya know, there are those out there who are holding on for dear life. Keeping your act and the act of your loved ones together while all around you the stuff of life is falling apart.
Before the bottled up toxins make you ill, may I recommend that you find a healthy way to release that crap. Watch a real sad movie and cry hard. Write out your raging and fearful thoughts on paper, and burn them up in the barbecue. Find a place to safely scream, and let it out.
You'll be ok. I'll be ok too. The world, well the world will be the world, ok or not. But while we're in the world, let's pay attention when the fear and anger are leaking out, aching to be felt and released. Let's also be kind to anyone who seems to be having a bad day, for whatever reason or no reason at all.
Let's be human together, and things just might work out.
Blessings, and thanks, Elke
PS: isn't that a lovely rainbow up there?