What we think we are saying, and what we are actually transmitting is kind of a touchy subject for some: Especially when we really really want a point to be made. Yet, I’ll submit that we all try to be aware of how we use our words: do the words actually match our intentions for them?
I am a person who chooses where she shops and where she goes out to eat by the vibe I get from certain places. I mean, bargains and quality of the goods are good, and delicious menus are key, but honestly, my experience of the place makes all the difference in the world. So that is why I shop at our local Costco: I pretty much always have a positive experience with the staff, who are usually warm and cordial. I also love the new Third street cafe in Mt Vernon, and the adjacent Csquare market because the staff there are positive, caring and just kind of cool. They greet me by name if they know it, or make sure that buying a latte or a meal is something that will enhance my life for the better.
And then there’s a shop which shall not be named, but basically sells produce, gift items and some baked goods. Years ago, I was excited to explore the newly opened shop because it looked so inviting. Drove into the parking lot, was about to park in an open space and was met with this big sign: “Don’t park here!” So I didn’t park in that particular “there.” No problem. But from the front door and throughout the shop and even in the bathrooms, the word “don’t” was in prominent display. “Don’t throw paper towels into the toilet” “Don’t touch the [blank].” “Don’t pick that up.” “Don’t squeeze the fruit.” Yikes. After awhile I felt like a bull in a china shop, where everything was fragile and I better be careful or I’ll have to pay for the breakage. Even the fairly pleasant staff member at the bakery counter didn’t affect my weird feeling like I didn’t belong. I left without buying anything, and never returned.
I believe the proprietor of the store who shall not be named was well-meaning and protective. Yet how much of a better experience would it have been if well placed small signs with words like: “Our plumbing is finicky, please use bathroom tissue. Thank you!" Or “Here is a sample for you to try, enjoy!” and so on were on display? Give me a yes, or state things positively, and I might enjoy the place while still being respectful.
So what is it you want to create? Your intention of what you want to create makes a difference. The words you choose to support that intention are also powerful.
My counseling clients come to me with a lot of what they do NOT want: “ I don’t want this to happen to me anymore!” or “I will not let this happen again.” or “I hate it when she does that!”
Sound familiar?
Healthy boundaries are important to establish, and the word “No” can be a powerful ally to do just that. That said, the way something is said is just as powerful as what one is trying to communicate. I am a person who uses the word “no” when I mean it. I don't like to beat around the bush—well at least not anymore. Yet saying “No” doesn’t have to sound harsh: I often say to an invitation I can’t make or don’t want: “No, but thank you for thinking of me.” That way, there is an acknowledgement of the thoughtfulness of the inviter.
In creating healthy boundaries, along with what acts and behaviors you do not want, try also to find the acts/behaviors to appreciate and do want more of, and reinforce that with how the acts/behaviors makes you feel: For instance, “I appreciate when you do the dishes, that makes me feel loved and cared for.” or “When you stop and listen to me, I feel heard and acknowledged.” or “Thank you for hearing me. I feel supported.”
And when it comes to my clients own desires for personal change, I often hear them state: “I want to lose this weight!” “I need to get rid of [this]”, or even: “Elke, get rid of this for me!”
To which I say as confirmation of their desire: “I hear you saying you want to move towards a healthy weight for you.” or So, you want to release all that no longer serves you (or belongs to you), is that right?”
What we say to ourselves and what we say to others is so important to our quality of life. If that is true, we can contribute to each other’s lives by using our god given powers to communicate and support wellbeing or support what we do not really want.
Remember though, its a practice to use our words in an impeccable way. Yet it is a practice worth practicing, so keep it up!
I so appreciate you,
Elke
PS: Last drum group before summer hiatus, Tuesday, May 8.
And the May 19 Modern Shaman Master class on Using your spiritual gifts only has 2 openings! Information for both here: https://elkespage.com/education/