It's been awhile since I last shared my process of emerging into a new life without Jim: Both grieving and healing continue, and I'm learning lots. Here's a recent insight--and this goes out to all my friends as we navigate our huge communal grief and healing:
The Situation
Besides deeply missing my honey, I so miss our pre-pandemic life--we all do! Plus, as an empath, I feel the ramifications of this shutdown: the sadness and fear lies thick in the air. I've also experienced an uptick in nightmares. Similar to the ones I endured in my early childhood, they are apocalyptic in nature--mostly dreams of the world on fire.
All of this distressing input led to yet another emotional breakdown the other day, comprised of tears that would not stop, and a deep anxiety about where this was all going. And though I've found solace in work and walks and journaling and bereavement support counseling and occasional phone conversations with pals, I still crashed. Yet, instead of trying to get ahold of myself, I let it be. I cried it all out. I let myself fall apart. And then....When the emotional storm subsided, I lit a candle, sat in stillness, and asked Great Spirit (God/Universe/Creator) to speak to me. I even promised to listen, because desperate times call for big promises to God.
Here's what I wanted to know: "Dear Great Spirit: Help! What is going on with me? Is the world moving towards apocalyptic crash and burn? And what--if anything--can I do to help? Is it too late to make a difference?"
Deep breath. This is what I heard:
"Dear Soul, In your dreams and visions and emotions you are experiencing what humanity's mass consciousness is pouring it's attention into, and understandably so. The unbridled ecological and social destruction and fear and anger is real, and has to be attended to mindfully and with compassion. Yet, listen carefully please: This awfulness is not the only thing going on here. On a daily basis, miracles and discoveries and moments of joy are still happening. In other words, the process of human evolution continues, despite evidence to the contrary.
So, here is a reminder and a path forward:
The Law of Attention is this: Whatever you pour your attention into will eventually be created. And consequently, what you withdraw your attention from will eventually fade. So here's how you can help: Pour your attention into the blessings all around you. Gratitude is the great healer. In your own process, when you note the blessings in your life, don't you also experience more moments of joy, of lightness, of healing as you emerge from your grief?
"This is not to say your sadness will fade away completely, because feelings are a blessing as well. In order to not get overwhelmed by all this feeling though, practice gratitude. Pour your attention into what IS working, and what you truly wish to see. In other words, be the blessing as you find the gifts--even and especially in the darkness. Celebrate acts of compassion and kindness and courage. Pour your attention into the blessings, and watch a new world come into being."
Since then, my grieving process continues. Yet so does my emergence into a new me. I find that when I'm feeling the loss of my long time partner, I also am so very grateful for his presence in my life. I am grateful for experiencing our love for each other. And I see the incredible blessings that love brought to me: my boys, my home, my incredibly rich spiritual life....and so much more.
As I emerge, my promise is this: I will find the gifts and pour my attention into what I am grateful for. And I will strive to be the blessing. Thank you.