One never knows when an opportunity for deep, soul healing will happen....
What a busy 4 weeks it's been: not only work-wise, but also in the opportunities for deep soul healing--my own soul healing. Later this month, it will be four years since hubby Jim's cardiac arrest and subsequent stroke, as well as over 4 years after leaving our home of 20 years for an unknown future. So a week for every year of this adventure seems fitting.
Over 4 years ago, I faced 2 major life changes, 2 opportunities for growth, and 2 times when I literally felt a part of my soul drain from me as I dropped everything to attend to the crises. This last month, I had an opportunity to retrieve what had slipped away:
1. A few weeks ago, Jim was scheduled for day surgery to install a new pacemaker that would help his heart pump more efficiently. I had been worried: Congestive heart failure was making his life difficult, and he couldn't walk across a room without wheezing breathlessly. This was not my usually athletic guy. So the surgery was a welcome chance to help his already battered heart function better.
Post surgery, while Jim napped, I found a nice solarium waiting room where I plugged in my earbuds, and did some meditative movements while gazing at the pretty view of inland sea, snowy mountains, and...
The helipad, where the emergency airlift helicopter awaited its next emergency assignment. I stopped my movements and stared, and then I noticed a woman on a grassy patch near the helipad--bent over, crying. And in a flash, I WAS that woman--4 years ago--sobbing after the helicopter took my in-a-coma husband to a Seattle hospital for life saving stroke care. I felt my shoulders shudder, and then felt the calm force of shock and resolve take over. Breathing deeply, I knew I had to pull it together and attend to my mate. The Elke that is me now felt all this again, and quietly murmured to the despondent Elke then: "It's going to be ok. You'll get through this. All will be well." Back in the solarium, I felt the tears flow, and I also felt that I was back fully in my body and my life, and fully able to be with the guy who's heart and brain has had so many adventures.....
2. Last night, Jim and I watched a 2 part movie about the inner workings of Bernie Madoff--the man who for over 30 years filched 1000's of people of billions of dollars in an elaborate Ponzi Scheme. The results of his actions were devastating to many who had entrusted their fortunes and estates to the guy, decimated a number of philanthropies, and as well as destroyed many lives.
The movie was well done, and showed the inner workings of the man through a voice-over from "Mr Madoff", giving insight into how a man could actually sleep at night when every day was a lie. A big one.
We sat in silence, fascinated. Once in awhile, we turned our head to gaze at each other knowingly. "Remember how you felt when we found out that it was all a scam?" I murmured. He nodded sadly.
The "it" I spoke of was a number of years before Mr Madoff was caught and convicted, and the scam I spoke of duped innocent people who were not, for the most part, millionaires. Instead, the con-artist duped smart, decent people who wanted a good return on their investment--some of us were planning on then creating philanthropies or working on causes important to us, or fulfilling life-long dreams.
Did I see red flags? Maybe...but they were obscured by my naivete about the financial world and so, though there was some doubt about the main con-man, we stayed the course. Mr Conman was great at making us believe he wanted to help us do good.
Sadly, we helped get a few other people involved, just as good, smart friends got us involved. Their involvement made the forthcoming Fall hurt even more. The humiliation was awful, but that we unwittingly hurt people was almost unbearable.
In subsequent years, there more financial disasters: yet another investment that went belly up, and huge uncovered medical bills due my honey's open heart surgery. All leading to over 4 years ago when we were forced to release our home of 20 years. Yet there was also this: my compassion and empathy for folks experiencing financial crashes helped me to help them get through. And to this day I can smell a Ponzi scheme or even a pyramid scheme when someone says they are "investing in something that is incredible!" and "It will do so much good! And so on... I gently tell them to stop. Do not go there. And if they are there, do not get others involved.
While sitting on the sofa watching the Madoff drama unfold, something in me unfolded as well. Maybe it was self-forgiveness for being conned. Maybe it was me now saying to me then: "It's going to be ok. You'll get through this. All will be well."
Honestly, pressing the button to send this particular post is not going to be easy. But I will press the button because you need to know that though we humans do silly stuff, and make poor choices, and do not follow our intuition or our knowing, there is a way to bring back what and who goes missing when the crashes occur. We can bring them back. We can heal. And we can respect ourselves again.
Blessings and thanks. Elke